The Not so Secret Window
by SmileVampy
Summary: Secret Window insanity romp that takes the movie and runs with it... lots of funny randomness, innuendo, and sarcasm... Read and Review please! Chapter the 13th: Mort's Road Trip of DOOM
1. Mort at the Motel

**The Not-so-Secret Window  
**  
A/N: I just rented Secret Window, and I loved it. So like everything that I love, the movie would eventually have to be spoofed. This parody will be very long and will span lots and lots of chapters, so you're in for the long haul, folks. Enjoy! (Oh, yes, and please don't forget to review! wink wink wink)

Rated PG-13 for swearing, some snogging, and a certain ex-president.

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Secret Window. Short story rights go to Master Stephen King, and movie rights go to... some director... (checks credits)...David Koepp...?  
WHAT I DO OWN: SmileVampy (that's me!), her magical authoress powers of DOOM... and this parody...

* * *

**Chapter the 1st: Mort at the Motel**

(Cue ominous sound of windshield wipers)

**Windshield wipers:** Swish swish swish

(It is an ominously dark and rainy night. Johnny Depp is-)

**Mort:** Actually, my name is Mort Rainey...

**SmileVampy:** What?

**Mort:** Mort Rainey... not Johnny Depp...

**Audience:** Well, he fooled us...

**SmileVampy:** The HELL? What kind of name is that?

**Mort:** Dunno. Ask Stephen King...

**Audience:** Ummm... who?

**Mort:** The famous author. He wrote the short story this movie's based on...

**SmileVampy:** (sighs) Forget it Mort. Half the audience can't read anyway...

(Using her magical authoress powers of DOOM, SmileVampy turns back time...)

**Announcer:** Please remember to turn off all cell phones and pagers while you are in the movie theater...

(No, not that far...)

**Windshield wipers:** Swish swish swish

(There we go. It is an ominously dark and rainy night. "Mort Rainey" is sitting in his car. He stares at the audience... ominously... and fangirls everywhere drool, swoon, and melt.)

**Fangirls:** drool swoon melt

**Mort:** (stares some more)

**Mr. Voice-in-his-head:** _Turn around, man. There's nothin' to see here. Your wife loves you and she's definitely cough not cheating on you.  
_  
**Mort:** I don't believe you.

**Mr. Voice-in-his-head:** _Okay, I'm a bad liar. But do you really want to be hurt like this?  
_  
**Mort:** Yes.

**Mr. Voice-in-his-head:** _Do you really want to know what she's doin' in that room?  
_  
**Mort:** Yes.

**Mr. Voice-in-his-head:** _Ewwwww... perv.  
_  
**Mort:** Shut up. I'm going in.

**Mr. Voice-in-his-head:** _Okay... it's your sanity, buddy, not mine.  
_  
**Mort:** Of course.

(Mort pulls into the EZ-Sleaze Motel parking lot. He goes into the main office, steals a couple keys, and drives off. Some guy yells at him.)

**Some guy:** Hey! Hey!

(Mort drives up to two motel doors. He opens the first door...)

**Girl:** moan moan (notices Mort) Eek! Look, Billy, a strange man!

**Bill Clinton:** slurp slurp (notices Mort) Oh! Ummm... I am not having sexual relations with this woman...

(Mort quickly shuts the door)

**Mort:** (shudders) Eeeeewwwww...

**Audience:** That was wrong on so many levels...

**SmileVampy:** (grins wickedly) Hush.

(Mort tries the next door. He opens it...)

**Mort:** (whispering) Please don't let it be George Bush...please don't let it be George Bush...

(A blonde chick is screwing a random guy)

**Mort:** Oh thank _God_... (sees that the blonde chick is actually his wife) ...well, _shit.  
_  
(The wife and the random guy notice Mort in the doorway)

**Random guy:** Eep.

**The Wife:** Oh, hi honey... gee, this is awkward...

(Mort storms in and screams in their faces)

**Mort:** Ahhhhhh!

**Audience:** Poor guy... we feel for you, man.

**Fangirls:** Oooh... wonder what his breath smells like...

**SmileVampy:** (smiles dreamily) Tobacco... and cherry cough drops...

_To Be Continued..._

* * *

A/N: There's lots more to come, folks, but I want at least one review before I post the next chapter. Love it or hate it (but please no flames) tell me what you guys think! Is it funny enough? (If not, the next chapter's better) Do you want more?

SmileVampy


	2. Mort Meets Man in Hat

**The Not-so-Secret Window  
**  
A/N: It's another chapter everybody! Even more Secret Window madness... introducing Man in Hat and Chico the talking dog. A shout-out to vanillafluffy, JohnnyDepp's1Fan and Molly, who were my first reviewers! You guys get free corn, courtesy of Mort.

PS: A loaf of cornbread for anyone who can spot the Scary Movie 3 reference!

Rated for swearing, one-sided "slashy" flirting, porno references, and... herpes

DISCLAIMER: Secret Window does not belong to me... Stephen King is God...

I own myself... I'm MY bitch, dammit!

* * *

**Chapter the 2nd: Mort Meets "Man in Hat"**

_Six Months Later...  
_  
(Camera sweeps over a pretty blue lake to a pretty little cabin in pretty much the middle of nowhere... aka the woods...)

**Nature freaks:** drool

(Music plays ominously in the backround)

**Audience:**We deduce from the musical score that bad things will happen.

**SmileVampy:** No shit, Sherlock...

(Camera zooms in on a window)

**Audience:** Oh, oh! We get it! It's a "Secret Window"!

**SmileVampy:** Not so "secret" anymore now, is it?

(In Mort's office there is a poster of a scary clown, a dreamcatcher, a bottle of RedRum, and a tower built entirely out of black Legos)

**Audience:** He's just your run-of-the-mill forest hermit...

(Mort's computer is on. The screen reads: "All work and no play makes Mort a dull boy... All work and no play makes Mort a dull boy... All work and no play makes Mort a dull boy... All work and no play makes Mort a dull boy... All work and no play makes Mort a dull boy... All work and no play makes Mort a dull boy...et cetera, et cetera, you get the idea...")

**Audience:** (gulp) Yeppers, he sure is an average guy...

(Camera zooms into a mirror)

**Audience: **What the HELL!

**SmileVampy:** Now it's like an alternate reality, "through the looking glass", if you will.

**Audience:** Ummmm... What the HELL!

**SmileVampy:** Oh forget it... (mumble grumble)... imbeciles...

(Mort is sleeping peacefully on a couch)

**SmileVampy:** Not for long, buster... Mwahahahahaha... ha...

**Fangirls:** Awww! Ain't he a cutie?

(A knock at the door wakes Mort up)

**Mort:** Urghhh...

**Doorknob:** (rattle rattle)

**Mort:** (groggily) Coming... coming... (mumble)... early-bird bastard...

(Mort opens the door to find an ominous man in a wide-brimmed hat)

**Mort:** Ummm... hi?

**Man-in-Hat:** Fear my hat, my screwdriver, and my phony Southern accent.

**Mort:** ...pardon?

**Man-in-Hat:** Uhhh, I mean... you stole my story...bitch...

**Mort:** Do I know you?

**Man-in-Hat:** No... but I know you... (bats eyelashes)... Mr. Rainey.

**Mort:** (gasp) Are you stalking me? Are you a stalker?

**Man-in-Hat:** (shifty eyes) ...maybe...

**Mort:** Thank GOD! For a minute there I thought you were one of those (shudder) _Fangirls...  
_  
**Fangirls:** Hey! Just for that, we are only going to watch this movie three more times... today.

**Man-in-Hat:** You stole my _precioussss_...

**Mort:** WHAT?

**Audience:** Ooh, we love random LotR references!

**Man-in-Hat:** ...story. You stole my story.

**Mort:** You've got the wrong dude. I don't read manuscripts... not since...

(cue "Mexican Hat Dance")

**Man-in-Hat:** I don't really care. You stole my story.

**Audience:** He sure is a stubborn bastard...

**Mort:** Are you accusing me of plagiarism?

**Man-in-Hat:** (shifty eyes) ...yes.

**Mort:** I can assure you that I did not steal your story.

**Man-in-Hat:** I don't need assurance because you stole my story.

**Audience:** You know, it was scary the first time, but this is just stupid...

(A cute little dog comes out and sniffs the Man's crotch)

**Mort:** Chico, inside.

**Chico:** I am cursed with the most idiotic name in the history of dogs...

**Mort:** Inside, dammit!

**Chico:** Sheesh! I was only going to piss on his leg... (Chico leaves)

**Man-in-Hat:** You stole my storeeee...

**Mort:** I belive you have already established that...

**Man-in-Hat: **So you admit that you stole my story?

**Mort:** NO!

**Man-in-Hat:** Yes you DID!

**Mort:** Oh no I DIDN'T!

**Man-in-Hat:** Did!

**Mort:** Did NOT!

(It goes on like this for a while...)

**Man-in-Hat:** (reveals many wrinkled sheets of paper.) This is my story. The one that you stole. From me.

**Mort:** You know, you could talk with my agent or something...

**Man-in-Hat:** We don't need outsiders Mr. Rainey. Let's just say it's "our little secret".

**Audience:** Bad mental image...

**SmileVampy:** Schizo Hint #1, folks!

**Man-in-Hat:** (hands manuscript to Mort) Here. We'll talk later... possibly over a candlelit dinner...

**Mort:** Ummm... no. And I am not taking those papers... I might get herpes.

**Audience:** Do we even want to ask about that?

**SmileVampy:** (shakes head) No, not really...

**Man-in-Hat:** Don't play games with me, Mr. Rainey... I know where you live.

**Mort:** I have a first name you know. It's Mort.

**Man-in-Hat:** Yeah, but it's more ominous if I call you Mr. Rainey, Mr. Rainey.

**Mort:** Oh. Okay. That makes perfect sense.

**Man-in-Hat:** (in best Yoda voice) Stole my story, you did.

**Mort:** Since you won't stop bothering me, I'm going to shut the door in your face and pretend you don't exist.

**Man-in-Hat:** Okay, and since you won't admit to your plagiarizing ways, I am going to loom ominously in your doorway for a bit, then I'll go away, leaving my manuscript on your porch for you to find.

**Mort:** (to Chico) Damn he's good.

**Chico:** (to no one in particular) This man talks to dogs... he is clearly insane...

(Watching Man-in-Hat leave in his car, Mort opens the door to find the manuscript... and a rock.)

**Mort:** (picks up manuscript) Well, shit. (reads title page) "Sowing Season" ...hmm... sounds like a porno story...

**Audience:** Did someone say porno? Yay!

**SmileVampy:** It's a murder/gardening story, you pervs.

**Mort:** "John Shooter"? Gee, that name doesn't sound at all ominous... (goes inside) Well I've never heard of you, so you must not be very important...

**SmileVampy:** Mort, you wish...

**Mort:** (throws manuscript into trash) And I've never heard of your stupid porno story... and believe me, I know my porno...

**Fangirls:** La la la... We are going to cover our ears and pretend we didn't hear that...

(Mort scrubs his hands at the sink)

**Mort:** You know... in case I get herpes.

**Chico:** (rolls eyes) Of course...

(Mort walks over to couch)

**Fangirls: **Ooooh, his bedhead is adorable!

**Mort:** Now where was I?

(Mort lays down on couch, falls asleep)

**Chico:** Lazy-ass human.

_To Be Continued..._

* * *

A/N: Wow... that was an amazingly long chapter! #3 will be much shorter. Tell me what parts you liked. Please review as Mort has lots of corn to share... 

SmileVampy


	3. Mort Consults Chico

**The Not-so-Secret Window  
**  
A/N: It's Chapter #3, everyone! Rejoice! There is more talking Chico goodness and signature Mort Rainey insanity! I even put in more fangirl fun than I originally hadn' tplanned (just for you guys!) This chapter is much shorter than the last (but there's enough to keep you satisfied... I hope) Vengeful Siren, Esmeralda Sparrow, and inDEPPendent01 are my newest reviewers, so they get some corn courtesy of Mort himself.

Rated for... well, nothing really... this chapter is pretty clean... maybe some mild swearing...

DISCLAIMER: Secret Window is not mine... but I own Stephen King... (he is bound and gagged in my basement, writing a story for me... "I'm your number one fan"...)

I own a ketchup sandwich.

* * *

**Chapter the 3rd: Mort Consults Chico  
**  
(Shot of lake, to remind everyone that Mort lives in the middle of nowhere)

**Nature freaks:** drool drool

(Mort sits at his desk and stares at the computer screen)

**Fangirls:** Ohmigod! He's a writer? That is so totally HOT! (squeal)

**Mort:** (turns to Chico) I am open to suggestions...

**Chico:** I suggest you drop this whole writing schick and become a door-to- door Bible salesman...

**Mort:** That's not an option Chico... I'm not allowed within thirty feet of a Bible, remember?

**Chico:** Then go plagiarize something...

**Mort:** You're not helping much.

**Chico:** What do you expect from a dog?

**Mort:** Something better than the crappy advice you're giving me!

**Chico:** Well, I'm only a figment of YOUR imagination!

**Mort:** ...wait, what?

**Chico:** Oh, ummm... woof woof...

(Mort gets up and watches his housekeeper vacuum the floor)

**Mort:** (turns to Chico) If you don't go and bite her I'll kill her.

**SmileVampy:** (grins) How about "Shoot her"?

**Audience:** Morbid much?

**Fangirls:** Our Morty is sooo irresistible when he's plotting murder!

**Chico:** (in a Cheech Marin voice) No way, José. She's mucho too wrinkly for my palate.

**Mort:** Damn. You're way too picky for a dog, you know that?

(Mort sits back down and looks at the computer screen)

**Mort:** (reads) "The man in black fled across the desert and the gunslinger followed. Four days prior, the gunslinger had found out that the man in black was cheating on him. He wanted to bust a cap in the man's ass." (pause) This is just bad writing.

**Chico:** But it's your best yet.

**Mort:** That's not very comforting, Chico.

**Chico:** Hey, who knows; this story might just reach as high as "below average" on the scale of suckitude...

**Mort:** Don't make me kill you, Chico.

**Chico:** Awwww... I love you too, Morty...

**Fangirls:** AND SO DO WEEEEE!

**Mort: **(cringe)

(Mort leans back in his chair and plays with a Slinky. Yes, even 41 year- old men enjoy playing with shiny metal springs...)

**Mort:** Just bad writing...

**Mr. Voice-in-His-Head:** _So you know what to do._

**Mort:** Mr. Voice? Where have you been for the past six months?

**Mr. Voice-in-His-Head:** _Errr... vacation. Definitely not (cough) plotting your loss of sanity.  
_  
**Mort:** That's a relief.

**Mr. Voice-in-His-Head:** _Yes... (cough cough) You know what to do.  
_  
**Mort:** Ummmm...

**Mr. Voice-in-His-Head:** _Just do it.  
_  
**Mort:** Are you coming on to me?

**Mr. Voice-in-His-Head:** _NO! Delete the story, you foo_l!

**Mort:** Oh. Okay! (delete delete delete)

**Mr. Voice-in-His-Head:** _Excellent... no bad writing...  
_  
**Mort:** (to Chico) I think that solves it.

**Chico:** Oh, sure. No more problems for Mr. Rainey, no sir! (turns to Mort) Notice the sarcasm, buddy.

**Mort:** Shut up. I'm going downstairs to advance the plot...

_To Be Continued..._

* * *

A/N: Sorry if this chapter wasn't as good as the last one! It was 1 o'clock in the morning when I wrote it... blame the sleep faeries! Anyway, keep those reviews coming, I want to hear your opinions! I might not be able to update for a couple days, cause I'm going away... but I will write more chapters!

SmileVampy


	4. Mort and the Horny Hired Help

**The Not-so-Secret Window**

A/N: Well, I'm ba-a-ack! (Thank the gods! I miss not having access to a computer...) Did ya miss me? I am happy that Ch.3 got such good feedback... I was worried that I lost the touch... Anyway, this chapter stars none other than the incredibly annoying Mrs. Garvey! Shout-outs must be given to my newest reviewers: Captain-jill-loon, CaptainAnna13, Miss.Understood3, and annonymous person Mary. Same for all my returning reviewers (I love you guys! You've made my reviews a whole two pages now!) Corn for everyone!

Please remember to thank Mort for the corn, or else he gets sad and homicidal...

Rated for mild swearing, random herpes, bad mental images, and housekeeper naughtiness

DISCLAIMER: I own you...

* * *

**Chapter the 4th: Mort and the Horny Hired Help**

(Mort goes into the kitchen to get himself a soda)

**Mort:** (belch) Do the Dew.

**Fangirls:** SQUEAL! (all rush down to 7-11 to buy cases upon cases of Mountain Dew)

(Mort sees Man-in-Hat's manuscript on the table)

**Mort:** Well, shit.

(There is a tense moment were everyone thinks that Man-in-Hat has been in the house)

(Mrs. Garvey the maid comes downstairs)

**Mrs. Garvey:** Oh, I found a story of yours in the trash so I put it on the table.

(Tense moment passes, turns to murderous rage)

**Audience:** Where the HELL did SHE come from!

**Fangirls:** (pout) She BETTER not be his girlfriend!

**SmileVampy:** (smirks) I sense jealousy from _both_ parties...

**Mort:** Any idiot can see that you put it on the table, Mrs. Garvey. But did you wash your hands after touching it?

**Mrs. Garvey:** Why?

**Mort:** The paper has herpes...

**Mrs. Garvey:** Ummmm... (goes to wash hands)

(After putting on latex gloves, Mort sits down and picks up the manuscript)

**Mort:** (reads) "Todd Downey's wife was a bitch. He was pissed. He was going to kill her. He would bury her in her stupid garden. That bitch loved her garden more than him." (pause) Hey, this is pretty good! I should steal this...

**SmileVampy:** (whacks head against chair) Why, Mort? Why?

**Mort:** Wait a minute... (pause) this is MY story! (gets up quickly, tips over can of Mountain Dew) Well, shit!

**Audience:** Must he say that all the time?

**SmileVampy:** Yes! (dreamily) It's his _favorite _swearword...

**Mrs. Garvey:** (rushes into the room wearing a French maid outfit) Oh, from the sounds you were making, I thought you were dying... or pleasuring yourself... Here I will clean this up because I am your slave. (wink wink)

**Mort:** Errrrr... I'm sorry.

**Mrs. Garvey:** Go back to work, you gorgeous hunk of man.

**SmileVampy:** (to fangirls) She's you... forty years later!

**Fangirls:** Aieeeeeeeee! (all run out to California to get Botox injections and boob jobs)

**Mort:** (holds up manuscript) I didn't write this.

**Mrs. Garvey: **Oh, I thought you did, but I am just a dumb blonde. (giggle)

**Mort:** Can't you read? It says "John Shooter", not "Morton Rainey"! Not me!

**Fangirls:** Morton? MORTON!

**Mrs. Garvey:** Well. ummm... I thought it was one of those pseudo-thingy-nyms. Yeah, that's it.

**Mort:** No, I never use one. And if I did I'd use a less ominous name than "John Shooter"... probably Richard Bachman...

**Mrs. Garvey:** I can't imagine why you'd hide behind a made-up name. You're not nearly famous enough.

**Mort:** Gee, thanks.

(Both of them get on the floor next to eachother)

**Audience:** (throws up)

**SmileVampy:** (bows) Another bad mental image... thanks to me!

**Fangirls:** (tantrums) Life isn't FAIR!

**Mort:** What I'm trying to say is that someone else wrote this.

**Mrs. Garvey:** Okey dokey, but if you're not going to ravage me here on the kitchen floor, I should go now.

(Mrs. Garvey gets up and leaves)

**Fangirls:** Phew! We were worried!

_To Be Continued..._

* * *

A/N: What are you doing still reading? Go and review, dammit, or no corn for you! 

SmileVampy


	5. Mort, Pall Malls, and a Banister

**The Not-so-Secret Window**

A/N: Sorry for the long wait... camping trip... stuff like that...(hugs computer) Anyway, I have yet another chapter for you, filled with all the fangirl-mania, pop culture references, and sarcastic humor you know and love. Shoutouts to my newest reviewers: Victoria Sparrow, EverVengeful, Giddy-Pirate-YAY, disneychic248c, x0x-PiRaTe-ShIvErS-x0x, SavyKiwi, moontaxi (tell me the Scary Movie 3 bit and you will get the prized cornbread!) and anonymous peoples pirate4eva, Lauren, and johnnyrocks1963. Free necro-corn for everyone!

P.S. If you thought Mrs. Garvey in a French-maid outfit was bad... you ain't seen nothing yet!

Rated for: language, mature content, really REALLY bad images, and more housekeeper naughtiness (this is the last of it, I swear!)

DISCLAIMER: I own this parody... which I slave over for you... but that's about it...

* * *

**Mort, Pall Malls, and a Banister**

(Later Mort is in his office. He goes to the bookshelf. After skimming through various Playboys and steamy romance novels, he finds the book he's looking for)

**Mort:** "Everybody Drops the Dime". This title makes no sense... but I will forgive myself as I was probably wasted...

(Mort goes to the index page. Titles include: "How to Deal out Death Swiftly and Efficiently with Just a Shovel", "CORN!", "To Kill a Housekeeper", "Secret Window", and "The Adventures of Super-Hick".)

**Audience:** Errrr... this wouldn't be an autobiography... would it?

(Mort flips to the page where "Secret Window" starts)

**Mort:** (reads) "Tommy Haverlock'swife was a bitch. He was a pissed off dude. Naturally, he was going to kill her. He knew where he was going to bury her, in her stupid garden. The stupid garden she loved more than him... stupid bitch..." (pause) The bastard stole my story!

(Cue flashback or dream... or something...)

**The wife:** Oh look honey! A secret window! (looks outside) I'll put my garden here! Secret window, secret garden! Teehee!

**SmileVampy:** Ooh, ooh, plot point!

**Audience:** We _knew_ that window was secret!

**Fangirls:** Wait... is this implying that our Morty was thinking about killing his wife when he wrote that story?

**SmileVampy:** (shifty eyes) ...maybe...

**Fangirls:** That is SO totally HOT!

(end flashback/dream/something)

**Mort:** Gee, that was a random and unexpected flashback/dream/something...

(some ominous music plays)

**Mort:** (flips through both stories, comparing them) Shit. Even though my story is _clearly_ the better of the two... the bastard stole my story!

**Chico:** Okay, _Shooter_. We've established that. Now what are you going to do about it?

**Mort:** Ummm... I am going to wrinkle my brow, stroke my mustache, and ponder for a bit. (ponder ponder ponder) Well, that doesn't help, so now I am going to search this drawer for the pack of cigarettes that I don't smoke. (search search)

(Mort eats some stale Doritos from the bottom of the drawer. He finds the pack of Pall Malls. It is beaten up, with only two cigarettes left)

**Mort:** Nope, I do not smoke. (sticks cigarette in his mouth) Not smoking! La-de-da... (looks around for the hired help) I am "not" about to smoke, no sir! (smiles at Chico)

**Chico:** Leave me out of this, buddy.

**Mort:** (looks at Shooter's story) I didn't steal it, Chico.

**Chico:** Of course not, Mort.

**Mort:** He stole my story.

**Chico:** Of course he did, that lying, ominous S.O.B.

**Mort:** Not me. Him.

**Chico:** I could call Jerry Springer for you, so that you guys could settle this like... civilized gentlemen.

**Mort:** No, that's all right.

**Chico:** It would probably spare lots of innocent lives, including yours truly...

**Mort:** No, no... I want to see how this plays out...

**Chico:** (sigh) Fine.

(Mort lights the cigarette)

**Mort:** (puffing away) As you can see, I am clearly "not" smoking.

**Fangirls:** Hmph. The _real _Johnny rolls his own cigarettes...

**SmileVampy:** But the fact that he smokes is still "So totally HOT!", right?

**Fangirls:** (giggle) Of course!

**Mrs. Garvey:** Mr. Rainey? (starts walking up stairs)

**Audience:** Gah! Why won't she just _die_ already!

**Mort:** Oh shit. I better hide this cigarette that I am not addicted to.

**Mrs. Garvey:** (pokes head in, dressed in a leather S&M outfit, complete with handcuffs and... errr... barbed wire...) I'm done!

**Mort:** That was quick...

**Mrs. Garvey:** I possess amazingly lame secondary character skills, one of which includes being able to clean an entire house in five minutes.

**Mort:** Oh. Okay.

**Mrs. Garvey:** (sniff sniff) What's that smell? (notices smoke)

**Mort:** The dog did it...

**Chico:** Hey!

**Mort:** ...because I was not smoking.

**Mrs. Garvey:** Okey dokey.

**Mort: **You go now...

**Mrs. Garvey:** I am your number one fan...

**Mort: **Is that an axe behind your back, Mrs. Garvey?

**Mrs. Garvey:** (shifty eyes) No... It's a broom... to punish you with.

**Audience:** (to SmileVampy) Are you TRYING to make us violently ill?

**SmileVampy:** (nods) Yup! Now I'm gonna have her get friendly with the banister... (wiggles magical authoress fingers of DOOM!)

**Mrs. Garvey:** (gets friendly with the banister)

**Audience:** (is violently ill)

**Fangirls:** (wonder where to buy bondage supplies in order to seduce Johnny Depp)

**Mort:** (stares in horror, unable to tear his eyes away from the writhing, gyrating, leather-clad maid) Was this in the script?

**SmileVampy:** (laughs maniacally) It is NOW! Fear my pervertedness! FEAR my pervertedness! (magical authoress powers of DOOM! crap out on her) Well, shit...

**Mrs. Garvey:** (stops doing things to the poor, traumatized banister) You're a good man, Mr. Rainey.

**Mort:** (silently weeps at the thought of having to disinfect the banister) You too, Mrs. Garvey...

**Audience:** (wipes vomit from lips) Heheh...

**Mrs. Garvey: **(shuffles feet) Mr. Rainey, since I only have a minute of screentime left before this movie totally forgets about me, I have to tell you something...

**Mort:** ...okay. Shoot. (doesn't even dare to imagine what she's going to say...)

**Mrs. Garvey:** You are so hot and sexy, any woman would be real lucky to get you in bed... I would die just to glimpse your nipples, and I think there's a real connection between us, Mr. Rainey...

**Fangirls:** We wrote that in a letter to Johnny Depp... but he never wrote back... (sniffle)

**Mrs. Garvey:** ...I want you I want you I want you I want you...

**Mort:** Your minute is up, Mrs. Garvey...

**Mrs. Garvey:** Oh... (she leaves)

**Audience/Fangirls:** (throw a party) Woot woot!

**Mort:** Thank God... (picks up cigarette, takes a drag) Now I can "not" smoke in peace...

_To be continued..._

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And that's all for now! Apologies for the scars that Mrs. Garvey may have caused you... 

As to the length of this parody as a whole... I'm looking at 30 or so chapters... like I said before, you're in for the long haul, folks... but I'm sure you don't mind much!)

Keep reviewing! Remember, your input is muchly appreciated!

SmileVampy

P.S. Email me if you so desire... I need friends...


	6. Mort and The Wife Have a Chat

**The Not-so-Secret Window**

A/N: Hiya, everyone! Sorry for the wait... my idiot little brother screwed up my computer, so now I have to update at school... grrrr... Anywho, in this extra-long chappie you will get to meet the bane of Mort's pityfully sexy exsistence: dun dun dun... The Wife! Hope you all like it (please be honest if it sucks) and don't forget to review! I must have MORE input! Shoutouts to FunkyFries, RavenGhost, Spoofmaster, Emerald-eyes (handcuffs? Hoo, boy...), Sibille LaNoire (the bible thing was just a random whathaveyou... as is most of the stuff in this story!), and anonymous people Yeppsters, SQWIDEY, and Underwater Owl. Welcome to the club and be sure to pick up your complimentary ears of corn before they get wrinkly!

Rated for: swearing, sexual innuendo, crude humor... and annoying baby talk.

DISCLAIMER: I own you. Yes, you. As my slaves I order you to laugh.

* * *

**Chapter the 6th: Mort and The Wife Have a Nice Little Chat**

(Mort walks down the stairs)

**Mort:** mumble mumble My business, Mrs. Garvey. (goes to his couch) GASP My pillows! You monster! (Tosses throw pillows off, lays down) Weird, sticky fingers... crazy old woman hitting on me... (turns over on his back) I didn't steal that story... at least, I don't think I did... but I'll stick to the original alibi... just in case...

**SmileVampy: **Not so adamant anymore, are we?

**Clock:** Tic, tic, tic...

(Mort falls asleep and dreams about a shaking door)

**Telephone:** Ring!

(Mort wakes up)

**Mort:** Uhrgh... (stumbles around the room until he finds the phone)

**Telephone:** Ring!

**Mort:** Mmflpgh... (brings entire phone over to the coffee table) I'm so lazy I can't talk on the phone without having to sit down... (flops back onto couch)

**Telephone:** Answer me, DAMNIT!

**Mort:** (picks up receiver, clears throat, and in a deep, sexy voice says...) You have just reached Big Morty's Love Cottage, where even you can get some... because Big Morty is just that desperate! Now, how may I be of service--)

**The Wife:** Hello, Mort.

**Mort:** (in normal voice) ...damn.

**The Wife:** Errr... are you all right?

**Mort:** Chico makes fun of me, the old maid has the hots for me, and my stalker is an ominous, hat-wearing man...

**The Wife:** So everything's been good?

**Mort:** (shrugs) Meh. Can't complain.

**Fangirls:** Wait a minute! That's his WIFE!

**SmileVampy:** A bit slow, aren't we?

**Fangirls:** What a meanie! Cheating on poor, hot, innocent Mort like that! (go to plot the Wife's demise)

**Mort:** So anyway, why do you ask? It's not like you care about me or anything...

**The Wife:** I_ do_ care... just not enough to keep from cheating on you.

**Mort:** (twitch twitch)

**Audience:** (in a really bad Kelso impersonation) BURN!

**The Wife:** You're up there all alone... in the middle of nowhere...

**SmileVampy:** Just in case you forgot...

**The Wife:** Anything could happen... you could drown, you could freeze to death, you could get eaten by wolves, you could be chopped into little bits by the propeller of a commuter plane... you could even get a screwdriver driven clear through your skull...

**Mort:** (laughs) Even I think that's a bit far-fetched...

**The Wife:** So how's my widdle baby puppy-kins?

**Mort:** Umm... he's good... he says hi...

**The Wife:** Can I talk to Chico-poo?

**Mort:** Uhhh... (looks over at Chico)

**Chico:** (shakes head) No way, josè. You're the one who married her...

**Mort:** He'd love to... (gives Chico the Puss-in-Boots eyes)

**Chico:** Do you know how many years I had to suffer through her brainless ramblings? (makes a motion with his paw) I'm through! _Tout fini!_

**Mort:** (mouths "screw you" to Chico, turns back to phone) ...woof woof... (Translation: How's it going, you skanky ho?)

**The Wife:** squeal Hewwo, Chico-kins! How's my favorite puppy-pup in the whole wide world?

**Mort:** Ruff ruff! Grrr! (Translation: You smell like foot...)

**The Wife:** (gasp) Mort's been beating you senseless with a bag of kitchen utensils!

**Mort:** Errr... Bark! Arf! Bark bark! (Translation: I can't believe its not butter!)

**The Wife: **Ohh... you meant to say that Mort's treating you fine and feeding you well... that's nice.

**Mort:** Woof! (Translation: Woof!)

**The Wife:** Well, I wuv you, my ickle Chico-chic, but could you put that mean ol' grumpy-face back on?

**Mort:** (twitch twitch) So why did you call, Amy?

**Audience:** Amy Rainey... that's... unfortunate...

**Fangirls:** (laugh maniacally) SOON! Soon we can plot her DOOM! (frolic around for a bit, one Random Fangirl is holding a voodoo doll labeled "AMEE")

**Audience:** Errm... do you sense a change in the fangirls?

**SmileVampy:** Naw, they've just had too much Moutain Dew...

**The Wife:** Why did I call? Well, I had one of those feelings I get after eating Taco Bell...

**Mort:** Indigestion? Gas?

**The Wife:** Yeah... but something else... a psychic feeling...

**Mort:** Also an unfortunate side effect of Taco Bell food...

**The Wife:** I know you don't believe them and you think that they're the just the ramblings of a dumb blonde...

**Mort:** ...yeah...

**The Wife:** ...but I believe them... I was making a sandwich and I had a sensation that you might not be okay.

**Mort:** (strangles the phone) You think about me when you make a sandwich?

**The Wife:** ...yeah...

**Mort:** Well, I think about you every time I eat a hotdog...

**The Wife:** So... are you okay?

**Mort:** I'm _fine_...

**The Wife:** Nothing weird happen?

**Mort:** Except for you calling me? Well... do you remember "Secret Window"?

**The Wife:** This movie?

**Mort:** No, the short story...

**The Wife:** By Stephen King?

**Mort:** No! By me! God, I hate being a fictional character!

**The Wife:** Ermm...?

**Mort:** (sigh) The story where the woman who's an incredible simulation of you has a garden... and the man who's an incredible simulation of me has a shovel...

**The Wife:** Oh yeah. Not one of my favorites. It made me question your sanity... and your latent murderous tendacies...

**Mort:** That's good to know.

**The Wife:** Well, it was a tad hostile...

**Mort:** Gee, I miss your hot body... err, I mean, your constructive criticism... really I do...

**The Wife: **What about the story?

**Mort:** Do you think it's possible... that I could have been influenced by things and stuff?

**The Wife: **(preens herself in a mirror) Ooh, now I can make obscure allusions to your ambiguous alcoholic past! Jack Daniels!

**Mort:** Amy, you know I don't drink anymore... not since...

(cue "Mexican Hat Dance")

**Bumblebee Man:** Ay carumba!

**Mort:** (shudder) ... and that's why I only drink Mountain Dew...

**Fangirls:** (raise cans of soda) DO THE DEW!

**Mort:** But I know about my ambiguous alcoholic past already... hence the question.

**The Wife: **Well, you got kind of weird with that story. You wrote it mostly at night... then you started sucking people's blood... and then you watched that vampire movie with Tom Cruise in a wig, like, 20 times at the theater...

**SmileVampy:** (strokes her special edition DVD of said movie) _Lestat_...

**Fangirls:** _Louis_...

**Audience:** Can you say "obsession"?

**SmileVampy/ Fangirls: **Shut up! (SmileVampy chucks the DVD case at the Audience, who is knocked out for the rest of the chapter...)

**The Wife:** But Mort, what do you mean by "influenced"? Like by another story?

**Mort:** I don't know.

**The Wife:** Then why'd you ask?

**Mort:** I don't know. Forget it.

**The Wife:** Yay! Now I get to make obscure allusions to your _plagiarizing_ past! (in a stern voice) You swore the one time was the only time...

**Mort:** Please, forget it. Come on...

**The Wife:** No.

**Mort:** I know, I'll randomly change the subject... So, how is that Random Guy you cheated on me with?

**The Wife:** His name is Ted.

**Fangirls:** (begin to make a "TEDD" voodoo doll) Let's all sing the "Doom song"! (singing) Doom, doom, doomy-doom, doom, do-doom, doom, doom, doomy-doomy, doom, do-do-doomy... DOOM! (go into convulsions)

**Mort:** So how's ol' Theodore?

**The Wife:** He's fine... oh so fine...

**Mort: **I was thinking that he and I could get together sometime, have a drink, see a movie, whisper sweet nothings in eachother's ear...

**The Wife:** Are you coming on to him?

**Mort:** Ew, no. I was _going_ to say... because we've been to a lot of the same places... certain caverns for example...

**The Wife:** All of a sudden I hate you. I gotta go.

**Mort:** So do I.

**The Wife:** Okay.

**Mort:** I kid... you're stuck with me.

**The Wife:** ...damn.

**Mort:** Is he there?

**The Wife:** No. we're not together.

**Mort:** (Cheshire Cat smile) That's too bad... I'd be lying if I said I wasn't on the verge of doing Snoopy dances...

**SmileVampy:** Best. Line. Ever.

**Mort:** Aw, hell... I can't resist!

(cue "Peanuts theme")

**Charlie Brown:** Good Grief!

**Mort:** Whoo hoo! (gets up on the coffee table and starts "Snoopy dancing")

**The Wife:** No, you moron. We're not together at the _moment_.

**Mort: **(stops dancing) Oh. (gets down off table) So you're still screwing him?

**The Wife:** (sigh) If you put it that bluntly... yes.

**Fangirls:** What a bitch, leading our Morty on like that!

**Random Fangirl:** Grr... (squeezes "AMEE" doll in rage)

**The Wife:** Gah! Back pain! (falls on the floor, twitching uncontrollably)

**SmileVampy:** Hmm. An interesting side effect... good job, girls.

**Fangirls:** (cackle evily)

**Random Fangirl:** (holds "AMEE" doll above her head, à la He-Man and the Masters of the Universe) I have the POWERRRR!

**The Wife:** (stops twitching, resumes talking like nothing happened) Yeah, Ted's picking me up later. I usually go to his house. He doesn't come over here much because he says it smells like cat urine...

**Mort:** Errr... you know, for being my estranged wife... you sure do tell me a lot of random little details...

**The Wife:** Don't ask then. It was going fine that way.

**Mort:** I didn't ask. And no, it wasn't...

**The Wife:** Shut up. You did what I said you did.

**Mort:** You should have him over the house more... Such a nice house. (hugs a photo of the house as a tear rolls down his cheek) I like it, I love it...

**Fangirls:** I want some more of it...

**SmileVampy:** Eatin' good in the neighborhood... Applebee's!

**Mort:** I still don't get why you're living in my house, and why I'm stuck in the middle of nowhere...

**The Wife:** It's quite simple, really. In movies where a couple is getting a divorce, the wife always gets the house... no questions asked. Goodbye, Mort.

**Mort:** G'bye, Amy. (hangs up reciver) ...(sniffle sob)

**Fangirls:** Awww... don't cry, Morty...

**Mort:** (picks up entire telephone and whacks himself over the head with it) Shit. Shit. Shit. Stupid. Stupid. Stupid.

_To be continued...

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_

A/N: Well, that's it for now! If you can name the movie that The Wife mentioned, you will get a part in this here story. Email me at if you want to submit an answer (I will use the first five responses) and tell me what type of Fangirl/Fanboy you are. (or you can just send me a regular letter if you are bored!) Happy Back-to-School, everyone!

SmileVampy


	7. Mort Learns the Literal Meaning of Drop ...

**The Not-so-Secret Window**

A/N: I'm baaaack! Ye Gods, it's been a _looooong_ time since I updated… Ah, well, The Not-so-Secret Window is back with a vengance, complete with all the randomness and biting "wit" you love to love. In this here chapter, Shooter returns, which means more trouble for Mort (you have no idea). Shout-outs and necro-corn go to my newest reviewers: Skuyfads, Ally Eileen, Depp-Luver49, and anonymous people KB/KK fan, and CobainIsGod. REVIEW!

Rated for: swearing, mild slash, sexual innuendos... the usual... (do I even need to warn you anymore?)

Mumblegrumble... no script format, my ass... I'm stickin' it to the man!

DISCLAIMER: "Zip-a-dee-do-da" song and the Vulture guy belong to Disney, Operaman belongs to Adam Sandler... blah blah blah... I own naught but this parody-thingy...**

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**

**Chapter the 7th: MortLearns theLiteral Meaning of "Drop It"**

(It is a drizzly day out. Mort is frolicking through the woods, twirling his walking stick like a baton.)

**Mort:** (singing) Zip-a-dee-doo-da, zip-a-dee-ay, my oh my what a wonderful day. Plenty of sunshine, comin' my way… (notices Man-in-Hat up ahead) …why-cant-this-guy-just, leave-me-a-lone…

**Man-in-Hat:** (bats eyelashes) Well, how-dee-doo, Mister Rainey. (giggle)

**Mort:** Uhgh… why, God, why?

**SmileVampy:** (grins) Because it's fun to watch you suffer!

**Man-in-Hat:** You read it?

**Mort:** Yep.

**Man-in-Hat:** Give me a concise summary of the events in the story... in twenty words or less.

**Mort:** What are you, my 10th grade English teacher?

**Man-in-Hat:** (starts to strip off jacket, singing) I'm too sexy for my shirt, too sexy for my shirt…

**Mort:** (covers eyes) Gah! Unwanted flashbacks!

**SmileVampy:** Perverted, desperate old people equals comedy gold!

**Mort:** (loudly) Woman is bitch. Guy is pissed. Garden is secret. Shovel is efficient killing device. (pause) Now please… stop stripping… I've seen enough wrinkled flesh today to last me three lifetimes.

**Man-in-Hat:** (puts jacket back on) I imagine it rang a bell?

**Mort:** (blinks) What? The story?

**Man-in-Hat:** Yessir.

**Mort:** Oh, errr… it did. So when did you write it?

**Man-in-Hat:** I thought you might ask that.

**Mort:** (aside) Oh, yes, you sure are insightful… (to Man-in-Hat) That's the whole point you know… Whoever wrote the story first gets to sue the other guy for gobs of cash.

**Fangirls:** Oooh, what lawyerly words! He can cross-examine us anytime! (swoon)

**Man-in-Hat:** Well, I suppose you're right. It's probably the reason I drove here all the way from Mississippi with nothing but the hat on my head and the shirt on my back.

**Mort:** …And your pants?

**Man-in-Hat:** I pulled them off a dead guy.

**Mort:** I see…

**Audience:** (to SmileVampy) There you go again! Always adding stuff… you confuse us!

**SmileVampy:** (sigh) Why is my genius never realized? (snaps magical authoress fingers of DOOM)

**Man-in-Hat:** I wrote the story three weeks ago while shit-faced in the back of a pickup truck.

**SmileVampy: **(pouty face) Happy now?

**Audience:** Somewhat, yes.

**Man-in-Hat:** How'd you get it? I want to know how in the Nine Layers of Hell did a big, handsome, money-grubbin' bitch like you get down to a cruddy little town in the bowels of Mississippi and steal my story?

**Vulture from The Jungle Book:** Now don't start that again!

**Mort:** The random Disney character is right… Drop it.

**Man-in-Hat:** Drop it? If you insist… (unbuckles his belt and… well, you get the drift…)

**Mort:** Sweet Jesus, my eyes! Didn't you take the underwear off the dead guy too!

**Man-in-Hat:** Naw, they was dirty… (looks down) I call him "Shooter."

(Fangirls and Audience glare at SmileVampy)

**SmileVampy:** What! With Mrs. Garvey out of the picture, someone has to pick up the slack!

**Fangirls:** Yeah, but why can't it be Morty?

**SmileVampy:** Too distracting… but you never know what can happen in the future… (winkwinkwink)

**Fangirls:** Squee!

**Mort:** (shudders)

**Fangirls:** (to Mort) Show us some nipple!

**Mort:** (averts his eyes from Man-in-Hat to a particularly interesting pine tree) You wrote your story three weeks ago, I wrote mine in 1994. It was first published in an obscure literary magazine in '95. Nice try, Mr. Man-in-Hat, but… I win!

**Man-in-Hat:** (is dumbfounded)

**Mort:** Heehee! _You_ stole _my_ story! (dances around and does the Monkey)

**Man-in-Hat:** (comes out of Southern stupor) You liiiiie! (pins Mort up against his car… this looks very wrong, as he still has his pants down)

**Mort:** (pushes back) Nuh-uh!

**Man-in-Hat:** Oh yeah? Prove it!

**Mort:** ...Crap.

**Man-in-Hat: **Yeehaw! (does the Square Dance of Victory)

**Mort:** Well, I don't have to prove anything. Go find the June issue of Hack Writer's Mystery Rag and see for yourself.

**Man-in-Hat: **How am I supposed to do that? I'm not nearly smart enough to go lookin' all by my lonesome.

**Mort: **Not my fault you were inbred.

**Man-in-Hat:** Maybe I should drive to your house in Cheatersville, New York... on Infidelity Lane… and ask your wife, Amy for it?

**Mort: **(is dumbfounded)

**Man-in-Hat: **(smiles and puffs out all proud-like) I read it on your book jacket.

**Audience:** Wait, he can read?

**Mort:** (comes out of Yankee stupor) Not my house… anymore… (a tear rolls down his cheek) ...sniffle...

**Man-in-Hat:** What the hell?

**Mort:** It means, you hat-wearing hick, that I'm going through a divorce!

**Operaman:** (singing) La donne mobile home, la donne mobile home, D-I-V… O-R-C-E!

**Mort:** Yeah, what he said.

**Man-in-Hat:** (in a comical cowboy drawl) Lemme git this straight, pilgrim. I's practically been stalkin' you, an' alla you can do is bitch abouts your marital status an' weep like a little nancy boy over a _house_?

**Mort:** (blows his nose) Yes.

**Man-in-Hat:** Mr. Rainey, you have some serious issues.

**Mort:** Shut the hell up. Don't psychoanalyze me, dude!

**Audience: **Touchy…

**Man-in-Hat:** In fact, you kinda look like you wanna bust a couple heads in with a shovel…

**SmileVampy: **Foreshadowing, foreshadowing, foreshadowing!

**Man-in-Hat: **But what you gots to understand… is that if we start to rumble, it's never gonna end… until one of us… is dead!

**SmileVampy:** Dun dun dun dun!

**Fangirls:** (gasp) How ominous!

(Man-in-Hat reaches into his car)

**Mort:** Yipe! (scrambles up a tree)

**Man-in-Hat: **I'm just gettin' me some Pall Malls… don't wet yourself.

**Mort:** (sheepishly) Too late.

**Audience:** Eeeeewww…

(Man-in-Hat holds pack of cigarettes up to the tree and offers one to Mort)

**Mort:** I "don't" smoke. (drools)

**Man-in-Hat:** (wipes drool off hand) _Sure_ you "don't"

**Mort:** Hey, if I call up The Wife and get that magazine I told you about, will you leave me alone?

**Man-in-Hat:** (shifty eyes) Maybe…

**Mort:** Cool beans.

(Mort is completely OBLIVIOUS)

**Man-in-Hat:** (in an ominous voice) Three days…

**Audience:** What, did Mort watch a spooky videotape or something?

**Man-in-Hat: **(cocks a random machine gun) I'll be back… Hasta la vista, Rainey. (drives away in the Hickmobile)

**SmileVampy:** (grins) Ahnold-ized Shooter… how could I resist!

**Mort:** Why didn't I listen to Mom? _She_ wanted me to go to Tibet and become a sherpa, but _nooo_… I just _had_ to be a writer...

_To Be Continued…_

_

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A/N: And so ends Chapter 7! Don't worry, I already have part 8 in the works... So did you love it? Hate it? Regardless, I want to know, so leave me a random review (I am addicted... 56 is not enough!) You'll get some corn if you do what I say... hurry, before it wrinkles!

SmileVampy (huggles and shovel-whacks)


	8. Mort and the Exodus of Chico

**The Not-so-Secret Window**

A/N: Yeah... it's back. Sorry about the insanely long wait... school got in the way of my fanfictions. But now it's summer! I'll be updating at the rate of a chapter or two every two weeks (don't hold me to it, though). Ears of corn go to: The Pirate Queen of Ginger, DeppDRACOmaniac, darkprediction, fufulupin (update, darn you!), ItsACrystalNothingMore, Phantom'sSonge, CaptainBloodyMorganVane, ObsidianAngel6, wickedwillowtree, dreadlockedpencil and anonymoose person Diamond04. 80 reviews so far for seven chapters... whoa. Thanks, guys. This chapter is super short... I was gonna combine 8 and 9, but I figured Chico needed a proper send-off.

Rated for: Uh... the word "crap"

DISCLAIMER: I do not own Secret Window. I have a fever... and the only perscription... is more cowbell!

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**Chapter the 8th: Mort and the Exodus of the Token Animal Sidekick**

(Mort is sitting at the table, staring at a half-eaten peanut butter and jelly sandwich)

**Mort: **This is the only remotely healthy thing that I, Morton J. Rainey, will eat throughout this entire movie. (takes a bite)

**Fangirls:** Oh, to be that sandwich...

**Chico:** (licks lips) Feeeed meeeee...

**Mort:** I gave you food two days ago, stop whining.

**Chico:** Gee, Mort... you're not a completely inept owner at all!

**Mort:** Do I sense a hint of sarcasm?

**Chico: **(rolls eyes) Of course not.

**Mort:** Good.

(Mort is completely OBLIVIOUS)

**Chico:** Hey, don't you think I should be the one sitting at the table? Seeing as not only am I better groomed than you, but cleaner and considerably less smelly.

**Audience:** BURN!

**Fangirls:** Our Morty isn't that smelly, is he?

**SmileVampy:** Have you taken a whiff of that bathrobe lately?

**Mort:** (grinds teeth) Chico... don't make me drive a power tool into your head...

**Chico: (**cough)foreshadowing(cough)

**Mort: **Huh?

**Chico: **Nothing. Hey, are you going to finish that sandwich?

**Mort:** (looks at said sandwich, makes a face) Probably not.

**Chico: **Hand it over, bub.

(Mort gets down on the rug next to Chico. He is immediately covered in thousands of tiny dog hairs)

**Mort:** (whining) I don't wanna call Amy, Chico. She'll probably make some strange analogy between me and a taco... I just wanna sleep...

**Audience:** Jeez, hasn't he slept enough?

**Chico:** (stuffing his face) I really, _really_ don't want to hear this.

**Mort:** (ignoring Chico) Fine. I'll call Amy about Hack Writer's Mystery Rag, then I'll go type up some horrendous short story that'll parallel my own life in some twisted, pathetic fashion...

**SmileVampy:** That's my boy!

**Mort:** ...and then I'll take a nap. Right?

**Chico:** Whatever. (gets up and starts walking to the doggie door) The call of the wild beckons me. (turns around to Mort) As this is the last time you'll ever see me... alive, I mean... I just want to say that you've been a great friend but a terrible master... and that I hope you'll never get another dog, so that they won't be subjected to the same crap as I was. (goes through the doggie door)

**Mort:** Chico? Chico?

**Chico:** (pokes his head back in) Oh, and I just want to say... In regards to my impending demise... no hard feelings.

**Mort:** Chico! Come back... I wuv u!

**Chico:** Goodbye, Mort. (leaves)

(Mort eats the remains of the peanut butter, jelly and dog slobber sandwich)

**Mort:** (shrugs) Oh, well. (gets up and unplugs the phone) The couch calls my name, and I, being Sloth Incarnate, shall answer it. (flops onto said couch, falls asleep within seconds)

**Audience: **Doesn't he even give a crap that his dog just ran away?

**SmileVampy:** Probably not. This is Mort Rainey we're talking about, here.

_To be continued...

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_

A/N: There you go. So tell me what y'all thought (dangles ears of corn in front of you) I already have Chapter 9 all written out... it just needs to be typed.

Oh yeah... the winners of that contest I had ages ago... **vanillafluffy, Ally Skye Eileen Phantom, Emerald-eyes, and ObsidianAngel6.** Your chapter is coming up next!

SmileVampy


	9. Mort Underestimates the Power of Dreams

A/N: Howdy, y'all! Sorry for the moth-long wait, but a lots been going on... I broke up with my bf... I got my first job... my grandpa's getting married this weekend... and, oh, yeah, Harry Potter 6 came out! Can you say "Whoa!" So, yeah, I've been obsessing over that for a while, writing a couple new HP fics... but enough about me, let's get on with Chapter 9! (Cause I know y'all only love me for this fic) First off, some corn on the cob for newcomers Kinky Finkelstein, CleopatraVII, The Maine Coon Cat, and thecaptainsfancy (Hi Jamie!). Nextly, this chap has almost nothing to do with the movie.. just a fun way of playing with Mort's dream. Yeah, this is the Fangirl chapter. Prepare for squeeing.

Rated for: Violence (in a sense), innuendo

DISCLAIMER: Dude. Secret Window? Not mine. Simpsons quote? Not mine. Ed, Edd, and Eddy line? Ditto. Through the Looking Glass quote? Totally Lewis Carroll's. Father of the Pride bit? ("Help me...") Well, actually, the line's pretty universal... so I think I'll claim that.

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**Chapter the 9th:Mort Underestimates the Power of His Dreams**

(Cue freaky dream)

(Mort is sleeping on a couch teetering on the "Seaside Cliff of Dream-tastic Freudian DOOM." He wakes up and tumbles over the edge...)

**Mort:** AIEEEE!

(...and lands in the middle of a hoard of fangirls)

**Fangirls: **(collective squeal!)

**Mort:** Oh, God...

**Fangirls:** WE LURV YOU, MORTEE!

**Mort:** (cringe)

(four fangirls pounce on poor Mort)

**Emerald-eyes:** OMG! I totally call his glasses!

**Vanillafluffy:** Nuh-uh! Y'all can have that there darn bathrobe!

**Random Fangirl:** No! I need that robe so I can pick off all the dog hairs to make a Chico voodoo doll!

**ObsidianAngel6:** Like, why?

**Random Fangirl:** Cause he broke poor Morty's heart and left him, just like the Wife!

**Fangirls:** (collective gasp) You're right! Death to Chico! Death to Chico! Blood for cream! Blood for cream!

(This chant goes on for about five seconds, but as all fangirls have ADD, they are soon back to the delightful task of ravaging Mort)

**Mort:** (cries)

**Vanillafluffy:** Yeehaw! I just scored his slippers! (sniffs deeply) Ah, "Eau de Rainey!"

**ObsidianAngel6:** Oh yeah? Well, I got his undies! (holds up a pair of graying tighty whities) They haven't been washed for months!

**Vanillafluffy:** Hmph! (is totally jealous)

**Emerald-eyes:** (notices Mort's pants are still intact) Ummm... how did you manage _that_?

**ObsidianAngel6:** (shrugs) I dunno.

(Another fangirl is observing the mayhem from a safe distance away)

**xxbutterflypunkbellexx:** (sipping a frappachino) Hey, guys? Why don't we all go about this like civilized admirers? You know, ask if he could pose in a picture with us... maybe get his autograph? He'd probably cry a lot less... Whadaya say, girls?

**Emerald-eyes:** But... but... it's, like, more fun this way!

**Random Fangirl:** Yeah! (clutches bathrobe) It's not like he really needs this anyway... Besides, what's a sexy actor without his droves of crazy, rabid fangirls?

**ObsidianAngel6: **Hear hear! And Mort doesn't mind a little attention from the ladies! (giggle)

**Vanillafluffy:** It's not like we're hurtin' him or nuthin' ...right, Mort?

(Mort is curled into the fetal position, sucking his thumb and muttering nonsense)

**Mort:** ...all mimsy were the borogroves... and the mome raths outgrabe... (scream) frumious Bandersnatch!

**xxbutterflypunkbellexx:** (rolls eyes) Oh, he's not emotionally scarred at _all_...

**Vanillafluffy:** Y'know, Ally... yer too serious. Y'all oughta live a little!

**xxbutterflypunkbellexx:** Well... (looks at Mort)

**Mort:** (wide-eyed and trembling) Help me...

**xxbutterflypunkbellexx: **(shrugs) ...okay.

(xxbutterflypunkbellexx pounces on Mort, spilling her frappachino all over him. The other fangirls follow)

**Mort:** Nooooooooo!

(There is a ripping sound. Mort screams)

**xxbutterflypunkbellexx:** (waves a fuzzy caterpillar thing in the air) I got his mustache

**Fangirls:** collective cheer

**Vanillafluffy: **(hanging her chesticles in Mort's face) C'mon, hun... you know you want me . I'm twice the blonde that Amy ever was...

**Mort:** (whimpers)

**Random Fangirl:** I'm done! (holds up a stuffed dog labeled "CHEEKO") Isn't it awesome?

**xxbutterflypunkbellexx:** It's gravy like buttered toast!

**Emerald-eyes:** Hey, like, look what I have! (holds up bag of scissors) We can totally get locks of his hair with them

**Fangirls:** collective yay-ness

(Emerald-eyes divies up the scissors)

**ObsidianAngel6:** If we get enough, we can sell the extra on Ebay!

(The fangirls pounce again)

**Emerald-eyes:** (whispers in Mort's ear) They can have the hair on your head for all I care... (pulls out a beaten up old razor) But I call the hair bellow the belt...

**Mort:** AIEEEEEE!

(End freaky dream)

**Mort:** (wakes up, stretches) Phew! Thank goodness it was all just a freaky dream... (sees a "CHEEKO" doll covered in pins on the floor) Heheh, yeah, a dream... (yawns, scratches head, notices much of his hair is M.I.A.) Huh... male pattern baldness? (on a sudden whim, sticks a hand down his pants. After a moment, his eyes widen in horror) OH MY GOD! (weeps openly)

(Somewhere, not far off, a certain authoress' Sadistically Evil Maniac Cackle of DOOM is heard)

* * *

(Shuffles feet) I tried to give every girl equal amounts of funnyness... So, umm... what'd you think? Good? Bad? Nightmare-inducing? Please, tell me... (bribes you with corn)

SmileVampy

P.S. Just in case: If, for some reason, the four girls I've used for the purpose of the above chaptertake offense to their characterization, I would be happy to change their name...


	10. Mort and Holy Shite! Chico's Dead!

A/N: Well, here's the next chapter... which happens to be incredibly short (this is happening an awful lot, lately...I promise to try and make them longer!) So.. anywhoodles... OMG! Chapter 10, guys! It took me over a year, but I did it! Makes me feel like celebrating... (breaks out the Mountain Dew, Jack Daniel's, PBnJs, Doritos, and the good cornbread.. homemade, like mamma used to bake..) Whoooot! Somebody else has to bring the party music, cause my CD collection consists of celtic, classical, Led Zeppelin, Simon and Garfunkel, and PotO... (deep breath) Okay.. back on track.. ears of corn are being snail-mailed to Snufflesgal, Diamond-04, the anonymous Danielle, and Doom Of The Rubber Duck (sorry, you can't be a fangirl right now... last chapter was a one-shot deal.. unless the fates say otherwise.. but you can join them in a sort of.. kindred.. spirit.. thing...).

Rated for: OMG DETH!

DISCLAIMER: Secret Window is not mine.. so don't even think about sueing! I _did_ steal the last two lines from an "iharthdarth" comic on Livejournal, but it's a homage, I swear! (pimps) If you like Star Wars, you should check it out!**

* * *

Chapter the 10th: Mort and the- Holy Shite! Chico's Dead!**

(Now fully composed, Mort gets himself a glass of water)

**Mort:** You know, for my morning breath... (looks at the night sky) ...without the morning... (notices a window is open) Eek! Ohmygod, bugs could get in!

**Audience:** Or homicidal Southern maniacs...

(Mort goes outside to investigate with naught but a flashlight to protect him)

**Fangirls:** Morty doesn't need protection! He's macho and brave!

**SmileVampy: **Riiiight.

**Mort:** (gasp) Some villain hast beshattered my porchlight! Scandalous!

**SmileVampy:** Heheh.

**Mort:** (humming the Scooby-Doo theme, sees a note tacked to the side of the house) Zoinks! I mean... well, shit. (reading) "Deer Mistur Raynee, u r teh suck. U hav 3 daze. Luv, Shootur." Huh... kinda looks like my handwriting... (sees a tarp with a mysterious lump under it) Hey look, a tarp with a mysterious lump under it! I wonder what it could be...

(An owl hoots ominously)

**Mort:** (snatches tarp away) What the-?

(It's Chico, with a screwdriver driven clear through his skull. He is dead... obviously.)

**Audience:** Holy crap!

**SmileVampy:** (yawn)

**Fangirls:** (whistle innocently)

(The music swells)

**Mort:** Oh. My. GOD. (pokes Chico's corpse) Chico? Chico? Are you dead?

**Chico's Ghost:** Well, duh.

**Mort:** Noooooo! Chicoooooooo! Grrr... Shooter, I will kill you dead like Chico!

**Audience:** Errr...?

**Mort:** Chicooooooo! Why? Whyyyyyyyyyyyyy!

(Mort falls to his knees with his arms raised and his face toward the heavens... you know, like in that one part of Platoon? Yeah, it's like that... heck, let's cue Barber's "Adagio for Strings" while we're at it!)

(Cue "Adagio for Strings")

**Mort:** Noooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo!

**Chico's Ghost:** Oh, dramatize.

_To be continued..._

* * *

A/N: Told ya it was short! My Author's Notes are probably longer! Anyway.. don't expect an update for awhile, cause school starts on Wednesday (Junior year, ahoy!) But rest assured that I will never abandon you for _too _long... six months, tops... :D 

SmileVampy

P.S: Review... ye mongrels! Seriously, 577 hits and _only_ 103 reviews? How many times a day do you guys reread this crap? More importantly, how many of you read and don't review? (You make me _sick_!) Remember, **everytime a person reads a story without reviewing, a fanfic writer falls down dead.** And you wouldn't want me to die.. right? RIGHT?


	11. Mort and Tashmore Lake's Finest

A/N: Hellooo, everyone! Sorry for the wait (a shorter wait than I thought, but still...) There's just been so much going on, most of which I won't bore you with here.. but yay for Junior year and Drama Club! So... this chapter isn't nearly as short as the last one, but still pretty small by chapter 6's standards... next one will hopefully be a lot longer (I mean it this time!) Obligatory ears of corn go out to new reviewers Countess Vladislaus Dragu, NordyGirl, BlackDeath6 (Liz!), Inneedofsomehelp, and Secrett W i n d o w.

A note to Sybill LaNoire: Yes, it gave me great pleasurespoofing on that scene in Platoon... ;) (cues"Adagio for Strings")

Rated for: Language, naughty bits...

DISCLAIMER:Not mine. Don't sue. Don't steal.

**

* * *

Chapter the 11th: Mort and Tashmore Lake's Finest **

(The next day, Mort goes to the Sheriff's Department. He meets the sheriff outside.)

**Mort:** (flailing his arms wildly) There's this freaky Shooter guy... he killed Chico!

**Sheriff:** (bored out of his mind) And Chico is your gay Mexican lover, right?

**Fangirls:** (dreamily) Oh, if only...

**Mort:** NO! He is... _was_ my dog!

**Chico's Ghost:** (floating) Hey, I'm still here, dumbass!

**Mort:** Shut up.

**Sheriff:** I didn't say anything...

**Mort:** Not you. I was talking to... err... never mind.

**Chico's Ghost:** (grins) That's right. Wouldn't want him to think you'd gone crazy now, do you? (disappears like the Cheshire Cat)

**Mort: **(silently fumes)

**Sheriff:** ...Uh, you were saying?

**Mort:** Oh. Yeah. Man-in-Hat. He left this spooooky note on my porch... see? (shows him the note)

**Sheriff:** (reads note) Isn't this _your_ handwriting?

**Mort:** Nuh-uh! My r's and t's are totally different! And I can actually spell! Everybody knows days isn't spelled "daze"...It's "daiz!" Duh!

**Sheriff:** (rolls eyes)

(They go into the Sheriff's Office)

**Mort:** I can describe him perfectly if you want... he's Southern, he's ugly, and he wears a big hat. And I'm 99 percent sure he's a guy... (remembers the "Drop it" incident, shudders) Yep. Definitely a guy.

**Sheriff:** (doesn't give a crap) Really, now?

**Mort:** Yeah. And his car is white. Or maybe brown. It has two rearview mirrors and four wheels, and blah blah blahdee blah blah...

**Sheriff: **(has tuned Mort out)

**Mort: **Blah! Blah-blah, blah...

**Sheriff:** (to secretary) Type harder, wench!

**Secretary:** Once my shift's over, maybe we could type hard... together, on my desk... (wink wink nudge nudge)

**Sheriff:** Oh you tease.

**Mort:** Blah blah blah…

**Sheriff:** (still ignoring the crazyman. picks up needlepoint and starts... needlepointing?)

**Mort:** Blah blah... hey, are you even listening to me?

**Sheriff:** Nope.

**Mort:** ...So, what is that? Needlepoint?

**Sheriff:** Yep. I also knit, crochet, tend a rose garden, and brew homemade herbal teas...

(Awkward silence)

**Mort: **Ummm... anything you can find on this guy would be really great...

**Sheriff:** I'm sooooooo intimidating! Don't you agree?

**Mort:** Sure. You're also more useless than a broken clock.

**Sheriff: **So you gots yourself a crazy stalker?

**Mort:** Oh yeah. Celebrities like me get them _all _the time. I have a bunch. (shoots death-glare at Fangirls)

**Fangirls: **Hey, we're not stalkers... we're admirers!

**Sheriff:** (changing the subject completely) I don't even think dog-killing is even considered a crime...

**Mort:** How could you say that! Chico was my world! Myyy world! (weeps)

**Sheriff:** Whatever. (gets out pen and paper) Now, describe this crazy Southerner...

(Pause)

**Mort: **(facepalm)

_TBC..._

* * *

A/N: Hey, do any of you have a Livejournal? I do, just click on the homepage link in my profile. You know, if you want tofriend me, know about my life, get fic updates (original and fan) or something...

Anyway, if any of you were wondering what happened to the other 2/3 of the Peanut Gallery, well, here's an explanation...

**/Zounds! An intermission/**

_Somewhere, in a darkened movie theater far, far away..._

(SmileVampy and the Audience come back from the concession stand)

**Audience:** (munching on popcorn) We're back! Miss anything?

**Fangirls:** Just the part with the clueless cop...

**SmileVampy:** Meh. (shrugs) Filler chapter. (holds out bag) Swedish Fish?

**Fangirls:** OMGZ! Thankies!

Don't forget to review, and see y'all next update!

SmileVampy


	12. Mort Goes to the Hood

A/N: And you thought this was dead, didn't you? (Well, actually... it kinda was. School's a bitch.) You won't be able to get rid of me that easily! I know I've promised a triumphant return to Not-so-Secret Window in the past, and then gone and broken that promise by not updating in forever... can you ever forgive me? Corn will be FedEx'ed to the following ladies: **Kathy L., Corpse Beneath a Bridal Veil, and SANDYheartsMORT**, who are the newest members of our little club. Welcome!

Rated for: profanity, oddity, and a dash of slash

DISCLAIMER: Secret Window is not mine. There's waaaay too many pop-culture references within to list here... besides, I want you to be surprised. So if you read something and you've heard it before, chances are it's not mine. (Unless I'm recycling my jokes, in which case, please tell me.)

Also, SmileVampy is not racsist.

* * *

**Chapter the 12th: Mort Goes to the Hood**

(Shot of a city. Presumably New York. Nature freaks everywhere get suicidal.)

**Nature freaks:** (stabbity) Boo hoo... (gougity)

(Mort and the Only Black Guy in This Movie, who is supposedly some private eye security guy, are in a fancy schmancy office.)

**OBGTM:** Did you steal it?

**Mort:** (twitch) God, no! The story's plot was a piece of crap!

**SmileVampy:** (exasperated sigh) Oh, Mort...

**OBGTM:** I hope you're not lying to me...

**Mort:** I'm not.

**Fangirls:** Our Morty is the truthfulest guy evar!

**OBGTM:** 'Cause then I'd have to go all Samuel L. Jackson on your ass.

**Mort:** Meep. (daydreams)

(Cue "Shaft" music)

_**Audience:** Who's da sexy writer who- (snort) bags all dem chicks?_

_**Fangirls:** (singing) Mort!_

_**Audience:** Yo' daaamn wrong. He's a dumb ass mother f-_

_**Fangirls:** Shut yo' mouth!_

(End daydream)

**OBGTM:** It's pretty coincidental...

**Mort:** Well, duh! He obviously stole _my_ story. Who's side are you on, anyway?

(Treebeard randomly pops his head in)

**Treebeard:** He is on nobody's side... because nobody is on _his_ side...

**OBGTM:** Well put, sir. Thank you.

**Treebeard:** Just trying to... help a brother out.

**Mort:** Um.

**Treebeard:** Meeting... in my office... at four. Be there?

**OBGTM:** Of course.

(Treebeard leaves)

**SmileVampy:** Ha-ha, get it?

**Mort:** (blink)

**OBGTM:** I just want the truth.

**Mort:** (smiles) You want the truth? You-

**OBGTM:** If you say "You can't handle the truth" I swear I will hit you so hard...

**Mort:** (cowers) Don't hurt me!

**OBGTM:** Just tell me if this guy's your everyday freak... or if _Superfreak! He's a superfreak! Superfreaky yeah!_ ...in which case you should really get a lawyer.

**Mort:** I ain't gettin' no stinkin' lawyer! Man-in-Hat is just crazy. Period. End of story.

**OBGTM:** Fine. But if he decides to burn your house or kill your wife, I can't do a damn thing about it.

**Mort:** (laughs) I don't think we'll need to worry about _that_... I mean, what're the chances?

**SmileVampy:** Oy...

**Mort:** I just want you to help me like you did that one time...

(Cue "Mexican Hat Dance")

**Mort:** Remember?

**OBGTM:** Yeah, I remember. But that guy was just an obsessed fan...

**SmileVampy:** (looks pointedly at Fangirls)

**Fangirls:** _What_?

**OBGTM:** You writers get them all the time.

**Mort:** (fake modesty) Now I wouldn't say that...

**OBGTM:** Stephen King has a bunch.

**Mort:** Really?

**OBGTM:** Oh yeah. Do you know how many death threats he's gotten for Dark Tower 7? _Thousands_.

**SmileVampy:** Ooh. Ouch.

**Mort:** Huh.

**OBGTM:** Now this "Shooter"... he sounds like a psycho. Class-A, Norman Bates-caliber psycho. Has tried to kill you at all?

**Mort:** Well, no. Not yet. But he killed Chico!

**OBGTM:** I'm pretty sure your sheriff doesn't give a crap. Anything else?

**Mort:** Last time he was over, he didn't flush the toilet. So you can say he tried to kill me with germs!

**OBGTM:** (dryly) Oh, I'll get right on it.

**Mort:** So you're gonna help me out, dawg?

**OBGTM:** (glares at him, says sarcastically) Well, I gots to be back in Harlem for a gang war on Friday, but I'll give you a few days, knamean?

**Mort:** Thanx homie!

**OBGTM:** No problem... (mutters) Offie.

**Mort:** See, I wrote my story years before he-

(Suddenly the Only Black Guy in This Movie hits a timer, which starts ticking)

**Fangirls:** OMG how rude!

**Mort:** You bastard I thought we was cool wit eachother!

**OBGTM:** (evil grin) Time is money, you know. Continue.

**Mort:** (grumble) I wrote my story in '94... he says he wrote his "three weeks ago while shit-faced in the back of a pickup truck." Now, mine was published in Hack Writer's Mystery Rag, and I have a copy of it at the Wife's house... I'm gonna go over completely unannounced and pick it up.

**OBGTM:** "The Wife's house?" You mean Amy.

**Mort:** Mmmhmm. Whats-her-face. We're split up right now, but she'll come crawling back to me any day now... aaaaany day now...

**OBGTM: **I'm sorry, man.

**Mort: **So am I. She got the house. It was such a pretty house... (sobs)

**OBGTM:** Are you on good terms? Is she free game now?

**Mort:** No... and no. Would you be on good terms with _your_ wife if she broke your heart and crushed your masculinity and served both on a platter made from the bones of small children to her master, Lucifer Ted, the Devourer of Souls and Destroyer of Marriages?

**OBGTM: **Ahh.

**Mort:** Yeah.

**OBGTM:** So what happened? Did you finally make sweet sweet love to one of those fangirls?

**Fangirls:** (sigh) That _would _be lovely, but we'll settle for the next best thing! (get up and start unbuttoning their shirts) Mr. Rainey, if you could sign these...

**Audience:** Ah! The horror! The whoreror! (covers eyes)

**SmileVampy: **(pokes at Fangirls with a cattle prod) Down, Sparky! (points to Audience) And you! One more over-used movie quote out of you and I'll make y'all watch The Astronaut's Wife!

**Audience:** Good god, no!

**SmileVampy:** Then hush!

**Audience:** But we-

**SmileVampy:** Ah-ah-ah! (holds up DVD threateningly)

**Audience: **(whimper)

**OBGTM:** (to Mort) Bang 'em yet?

(If looks could kill, the Only Black Guy in This Movie would be hit over the head with a shovel. Repeatedly.)

**Mort:** Asshat.

(Mort hits the timer, which stops ticking)

**OBGTM:** Oh for chrissake... take it like a man!

(The Only Black Guy in This Movie also hits the timer, which resumes ticking)

**SmileVampy:** Hee.

**OBGTM:** Continue.

**Mort:** Anywhoodle, if all Man-in-Hat wants is proof, fine. I'll give him the magazine. But... but...

**OBGTM:** Yeah?

**Mort:** I just want you there with me when I do.

**OBGTM:** (smiles, takes Mort's hand) Of course I'll be there with you.

**Mort:** (misty-eyed) You mean it?

**OBGTM:** Forever and ever. (embraces Mort)

(Cue "Brokeback Mountain" theme)

**Fangirls:** (weep with slashy joy)

**SmileVampy:** (sniffle) "I wish I knew how to qu-"

**Audience: **Hey! Hypocrite!

**SmileVampy:** (is shamed) I can't help myself... (sniffle)

(Mort and the Only Black Guy in This Movie let go of eachother)

**OBGTM: **Remember what I charge?

**Mort:** But I don't have any 12 year-old Guatemalan prostitutes... or chocolate sauce. Or $50,000, for that matter.

**OBGTM:** Worry about that later. Now, when you get back there'll be a black car in your driveway. Don't panic; it's only me. Or the CIA.

**Mort:** Okey dokey.

(Mort gets up and leaves)

**OBGTM:** (calls after him) Get some sleep! You're starting to look a little psycho...

**SmileVampy:** Oh if only you knew...

(Suddenly, the Only Black Guy in This Movie hits the timer)

**OBGTM:** (chuckles) Stickin' it to the Man...

_To Be Continued...

* * *

_A/N: Did I do good? Review, please... especially if you haven't before! Mort has lots of corn to share with y'all.

Concerning updates: I cannot give you a chapter a week, and probably not even a chapter every two weeks. Other fics are begging to be written/updated, you know. But I will try my damndest to get you a chapter a month.

SmileVampy (love and shovel-whacks)

P.S. My bio is totally revamped!


	13. Mort's Road Trip of DOOM

A/N: Chapter 13 here. I know it took awhile, but I was in the middle of some serious creative drainage for this one. Ch. 12 was a glorious return to form; I was quite proud of it. This chapta isn't nearly as fun, and short to boot. Must have something to do with the number... But don't let my snarkish pessimism put a damper on your reading experience :) Complementary ears of corn are given to new reviewers **Samara13**, **PhantomVarg**, and **Padfoot Reincarnated**. Enjoy!

Rated for: mild swearing and mild naughtiness... ranting

DISCLAIMER: The lovely Secret Window is not my sub-par thriller. The tangent at the end of this chapter is a result of reading too many George Carlin books. Apologies to the dummies who are offended. :)

* * *

**Mort's Road Trip of DOOM**

(Mort drives down the highway in a monstrous SUV that looks like it was crafted in the bowels of gas-guzzling hell)

**Nature Lovers:** (give Mort "the Look")

**Mort:** Shut up. I got it for the spacious interior.

(Out of nowhere, Chico's Ghost pops up in the passenger seat. He is sporting a pair of spiffy sunglasses and a red jacket straight out of _Rebel Without a Cause_. One paw is hanging out the window in a "too cool for this shit" way… in the other paw he is holding a plastic martini glass filled with cheap scotch.)

**Fangirls:** Ooh! Hawtness.

**SmileVampy:** …

**Audience:** …

**Fangirls:** What?

**Chico's Ghost:** (scoffs) What the heck do you need a 'spacious interior' for?

**Mort:** (irritated) Chico…

**Chico's Ghost:** It's just you. No kids to bring to practice. A wife only in the legal-est sense…

**Mort:** Chico I am warning you…

**Chico's Ghost:** …And, as of yesterday, no dog to bring to the vet, or to the park, or anything. Not that you ever did, but-

**Mort:** Chico I swear to God that I will buy the biggest Hummer I can find just so I can hear the satisfying crunch of your body underneath its tires!

**Nature Lovers:** (raise their "Bleeding Heart Pitchforks of Protest and Rallying +2")

**Chico's Ghost:** Whoa there, fellas. He's just joshing…

**Nature Lovers:** (lower pitchforks with disappointed sighs)

**Chico's Ghost:** (to Mort) So, where're we going? Lemme guess… (vaguely drunk, sticks head through sun-roofless roof of the car) ROAD TRIP!

**Mort:** (suppressing a grin) Not quite. I'm heading over to the Wife's house, completely unannounced, in order to pick up some old magazines.

**Chico's Ghost:** (sits back down, incredulous) "Completely unannounced"?

**Mort:** Mmm-hmm yep.

**Chico's Ghost:** (facepaw) Good Christ…

(They drive along, grab some Taco Bell, and drive around some more. Mort makes a right turn instead of a left and they end up in Albuquerque, New Mexico. Finally they get back to New York state and discreetly pull up onto the Wife's lawn because Mort is sneaky like a fox)

**Mort:** Let's leave a flaming diaper full of poo on the doorstep…

**Chico's Ghost:** No, Morton.

(Suddenly the Wife and Ted come out dressed up for some fancy dinner thing. They get into Ted's car and proceed to ferociously **do the nasty**. Mort looks on hungrily.)

**Mort:** Mmm… sandwich.

**Mr. Voice-in-His Head:** _I said it once and I'll say it again. Perv._

**Mort:** Oh hiya, Mr. Voice. Long time no see… hear.

**Mr. Voice-in-His Head:** _Not your house. Not your wife. Stop being weird._

**Mort:** (weeps) I can't believe it! She… he…

**Chico's Ghost:** What did you expect when you came over 'completely unannounced'?

**Mort:** (still weeping) I just wanted to see it one last time, and they…

**Mr. Voice-in-His Head:** _Wait... '_It_'?_

**Mort:** Yes. It.

**Mr. Voice-in-His Head:** (dryly) You mean the house.

**Mort:** Yes, the house! I hadn't seen the poor thing in ages, and they… they… they painted her door red! It was originally navy blue and they painted it red! (breaks down) I don't even recognize her anymore!

**Chico's Ghost:** God you're pathetic and crazy.

**Mr. Voice-in-His Head:** Ah-HEM!

**Chico's Ghost:** Well, not you. You're quite sane.

**Mr. Voice-in-His Head:** Damn straight. ("leaves")

(Mort composes himself and drives away without picking up the magazine he came for in the first place… He then realizes…)

**Mort:** Aw crap, I'm out of gas.

**Chico's Ghost:** (to himself) New Mexico and back… SUV… yeah that makes sense.

(Mort and Chico's Ghost go to a gas station)

**Mort:** 3.49! OMG!(dies a thousand deaths)

**Chico's Ghost:** You're the moron who made a pointless trip in a monster car. Quit complaining.

**Mort:** (dramatically) It seems like I work just to fill up the tank…

**Chico's Ghost:** You're a writer. You _don't_ work.

**Mort:** Shut up.

_To Be Continued..._

**To end this chapter, the SmileVampy Foundation would like to bring you this very special Public Announcement...**

So, remember kids… cars suck. Especially SUVs. Unless you are an Irish Catholic soccer mom with 20 kids, there is no reason you should be driving an SUV. Heck, unless you are a crazy mountain man who lives 3 hours from the nearest indoor plumbing facility… why own a car in the first place? Take a bus. Better yet, walk. Or, if you must own a car, why not go electric? Pollute the atmosphere a little less? And please… if you own a gas-powered automobile… don't complain about gas prices. Contrary to popular belief, it has nothing to do with the Middle East. It's fossil fuel-hungry bastards like you who sent those prices skyrocketing, not the ragheads. You've dug yourself a nice little grave… now lie in it. So do shut up, and go electric… or the environmentalists will lynch you while you slumber. Happy Summer._

* * *

_

A/N: Told ya it was short. Hopefully I'll have some time in the next week or so to churn out another chapter. Cheers, mates... don't forget to review!

SmileVampy


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